My Blog

December 27, 2000

Five years ago, contemplating hell. Is it there?

The circle has not ended, although at times I feel that it has.  There are times, embarrassing as they may be for me, that I forget lessons learned in the past. I forget the lessons that have made me strong, that have forged me into the kind of human being I am now.  In a delirious spiraling of despair I smack once more against that wall, wanting, needing, and sadly rediscovering that I have blindly hit a wall I’ve hit before. The rediscovery of another one of life’s previous gems is not as euphoric as when you discover it the first time.  The unsettling feeling that I’ve been here before mixes with the disappointment I feel for being here again. I realize that I do not have to pass through hell again to know what heaven is, but at the same time a chilling realization envelops me: hell is becoming frighteningly familiar.

               What is hell? For many years I have grappled with that question, with a serious heart asking in the throes of despair where hell is so I would know whether I am already there.  I have asked it countless of times: walking alone in the shadows of my personal dungeons, contemplating evil in a society becoming more and more devoid of meaning, or simply in times of lucid thought while riding a bus home.  The mere questions are painful, motivated by foretastes of hell I experience in my everyday life. 

               What is hell? Hell is lacking meaning. Hell is going through life without knowing genuine love. Hell is not loving completely without your entire heart and soul. Hell is finding my sole worth in the possessions I own. Hell is asking again and again why the world is already contented with the answers that it gives. Hell is isolation.

               This is where I rediscover a truth about hell that has terrified me at times and has inspired indiffirent grunts in other times. Hell is being away from God. Terrified because what kind of world is one that is away from God? Indifferent because in times of existential angst I answer simply: so what?

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